tidal wave

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i am learning to live without you.

learning to listen more.

learning to get to know who I am.

who i am underneath the religious shackles.

an entire life lived trying to make it work.

trying to believe.

trying to experience a god presented to me as two kinds of a god,

loving yet overbearing,

gracious yet books of rules,

freedom yet heavy chains.

it never all added up for me.

decades spent trying to make the pieces fit that had been fed to me.

the pieces never fit.

tragedy brought the watershed moment.

reality hit me like a tidal wave of shocking cold water.

i almost drowned in the knowing and the unknowing.

the seeing and the unseeing.

the feeling and the stuffing down deep.

the raging tears and the gulps of free air.

the years lost to an ungrateful master,

the years yet to come in my releasing.

as the rushing water slows in its currents i am learning to breathe again.

things are different now.

nothing but love is the same.

love still is winning.

it is all i recognize.

the places you used to be are empty of you now.

where i thought i heard your voice, i hear my own.

i am waking up.

i am recovering.

i don’t know where i will be when the waters fully recede,

but i know i will know myself and those i love better.

i know i will know how much i still don’t know.

i know it will be clearer who and what i have torn myself away from, and why.

fewer numbers of fellow travelers surround me,

yet the fellowship shared is richer for the journey.

i will keep learning to breathe.

i won’t give up.

i will keep fighting for my breath.

it is all worth it.

i am worth it.

i am learning to live without you,

in spite of you,

beyond you.

and live i will.

{words to a silent god, 2015©}