find my way

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from home to a silent new world

from belief to not knowing what is real and what is not

from solid to a place of shattering, surrounded by the pieces of my former life

from striving to be acceptable to “god” and the powers that be, to now searching to know myself and accept me for me

from learned helplessness, to finding the strength i always had to begin with

from shame based theology, to believing i wasn’t born defective in need of fixing

from there to here

yet i don’t recognize here

residue from a lifetime of beliefs crowd my line of sight

i am blinded by the voices and shoulds

what others will think is a venom all its own, what I think of myself at times is an even stronger poison

how can i learn to be okay with not having it all nailed down?

how can one shed a life of faith and learn to live again?

if there is a higher power how do i connect?

there was no jesus to find for me when the unraveling ended

when I dug deeper he collasped like a wall of mirrors in a magic maze crashing in upon itself

when all the tattered threads unwound upon themselves and left a tangled mess, there wasn’t anyone else at the end of it all but me

all the shreds of a former life came undone, and nothing but love is left.

was it all my imagination? a construct made up to give me a safe place to land?

my psyche now frantically searching for a rope to appear

can the need to cling to something outside myself be released?

can I find my way out of this place?

{words to a silent god, 2015©}

4 thoughts on “find my way

      • Not particularly. I suppose it’s the ones I know who were steeped in religion, the building, the services, the serving, and it all went to hell in a hand basket. I had a friend text me yesterday saying she’s tempted to bail out completely. I suppose there is one who lost it, or so they say or think. It’s hard for me to accept fully or even be afraid of because what I see (not that I know each individuals full story) but some things aren’t the real thing. As someone once said to me, “Maybe the god you were taught in childhood wasn’t God and needed running from.” This has been a few years ago now, as I was processing all my anger and misconceptions, this man’s words struck me hard. Wow! I had never considered that. I thought I was wrong and bad and rebellious for flipping my finger at the whole god forsaken thing. I’m rambling, my apologies.

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      • Yes, Kathy Escobar talks about the difference between shifting away from the system versus shifting away from God. Very different. And, of course as you mentioned, shifting away from who we thought God was is another kind of movement. xo

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