highway of my life

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when will the release come? the peace it alludes me. all the wranglings and tryings and twisting into knots to get it right and finally get the healing haven’t paid off. here i am. i don’t want the pain yet it stays. i feel dead inside today. nothing works to take it away for good. love only a bandaid, laughter and joy only a momentary releasing from the chains. constantly wondering what i am missing, where i went wrong, how can i fix it, fix myself so things would just fall into place like the missing pieces of a puzzle suddenly found just laying somewhere in plain view. if i could’ve changed it all i would’ve. if i could’ve felt your presence, i would’ve. i am weary of the games, so tired of the striving. it has gotten me nowhere good, it has only dug the trench i am laying in deeper. i stink of the earth and the dirt around me. when will this ever end? i have come to the end of what i thought was god and there is nothing there. is there joy and life to be found outside of a god that apparently was never who i thought or where i thought or even anywhere at all? i’m standing in the center of the highway of my life screaming yet no-one hears me. i am loving and i am hoping and i am doing this day to day thing because i refuse to give up. but when? where? how? do i hold the key to what locks me up inside? can the releasing come from my own hand? but when? where? how? even now after letting god go i still feel split wide open, as though the earth underneath my feet opened up to swallow me. am i running from myself, my fears, who i thought god was, what i thought life was all about? i am still looking for the way out, the sliver of light in the dark room, the window in the windowless house, the cup of cool water in a land burning up with flames. is it all due to my picture of the divine? because i didn’t really know him to begin with? or is it that he was never really there at all? now what? where will this road leave me? what is there to put my hope in when the sky has fallen in? is there a new highway i can walk on? a new hope? a new purpose? is there life after faith? life after god? life after religion? is freedom a mirage like god was? is peace a massive cosmic joke of cruel proportions like jesus was? what now?

{copr. Words to a Silent God, September 2015}

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