limbo

wp-1477937554594.jpg

//

standing on the edge of a precipice

looking all around me, trying to find my way

everything looks different again

this is another kind of hard

another kind of pain

a pain laced with freedom in its edges

it feels as though an unknown reality is beckoning me forward

telling me this is the way finally

the wall I was bearing against but yet it was always too high to climb

it was because it was unclimb-able no matter how hard I tried

all the beating, black and blue from all the trying

i finally saw the insanity of it all

the dust is beginning to settle

the fog is starting to dissipate

the light at the end of the tunnel is getting closer and closer

i’m no longer on the opposite end of it all desperately seeking

now i’m at the end of the tunnel

i’ve left everything i once knew

or i found myself simply gone from it, like a curtain lifted at the end of a play

my reality became fiction

caught in the crossfire

here but not there

no longer standing

i jumped because i had no choice

i caught myself

now suspended

hanging on with all i have

waiting for the fingers to tire of their grip

to become just actually unable to keep holding on any longer

i am hanging here

but what is underneath me?

when i fall, because I will, what will there be?

i know i don’t belong where i have just come out of,

yet i don’t know what the darkness around me holds for me

what is there, who is there, what will it be like?

better, worse, different, all the above

will i survive the falling, the letting go

this in-between place of dangling between two lives

the no of i will not live there anymore

and the no i cannot yet go anywhere else place

the i know this isn’t real

but i don’t know what is real beyond here

the i know he isn’t real

but i don’t know who or what is

this experiential angst of a being caught between death and life

hanging in the balance of terror and freedom

between doubts given credence and the just not knowing

like a rat out of its cage for the very first time

terrified of the unknown, longing for the comfort of the bondage

the horror of what was, the horror of what is to come

the trepidity and bewilderment of a life lived in chains

and the fear and dread of then and now and what is up ahead

frozen in midair, hanging on for dear life

living in oblivion

learning to exist in a space of nothingness

nowhere to go back to and nowhere to run

haunted by a life that is over and scared to death of a life yet to live

when i let go what will happen?

 

 

wondering

wp-1477696359420.jpg

//

Extra strong afternoon coffee

Laying down even after the caffeine, I’m so tired I just can’t stand up anymore

Brain too busy to let sleep come, but this sideways rest is something good anyway

Incessant wondering of what this is all really for

Tickles of anxiety a constant companion

What will happen next, what is it I’m steeling  myself for, why do I live waiting for the  bottom to fall out

This apprehensive edge I stay on of wanting more, but depletion makes my progress forward slow and sluggish

I’m caught in a slow motion life that is passing me by furiously

Time won’t stop for me to catch up, to get my shit together once and for all

The searching is a hunger that drives me, yet somewhere deep down I sense it is right here and right now that the real life really is

Where did I ever get the idea that the best is out there somewhere else beyond me, if only I could get there and not be late

How can I convince myself that the soothing is in the present, with me, in me, all around, right fucking now

I sing sweet inner lullabies on the good days of beauty chasing

But today I’m fighting just to survive to another good day

These are the days when the tiredness almost takes me under, the days that despair pulls on my strings to try and cause an unraveling

How can I keep it all together

What is all this really for again?

Today the flowery language of love and hope isn’t cutting it

The bitter cannot find the sweet

I’m just here, wondering if it’s really okay to speak out loud the truth of today and how it feels to cry in the spaces between moments, to hide myself in the cracks of the hours

I’m peeking out and saying this right here, this is real too, that life sucks some days even with the good stuff still here, the heaviness takes over sometimes

The yin and the yang, they are forever trying to find balance

I wonder if I really will survive this when I know I ultimately won’t, yet maybe I will on some level, I want that to be true

How do I keep up a happy face for the little ones under my care, what is it I’m supposed to be telling them to look forward to again?

On days like today I seem to forget, yet maybe it is on these days that I’m truly remembering something else, the pieces of me that are still just as true but harder to reveal

These aren’t happy feel good letters strung together into words to bring a smile

This is me wondering what the hell I’m doing this for day after day after day

Is it for them, for him, for me, for a better world

I ask myself if I’m allowed to even be in this place, to talk about the holes in which I live and breathe

It isn’t all pretty, my eyes are burning and my head is hurting

My limbs are heavy and I feel I need to sleep a thousand years

But somehow, someway, I will keep going on until I can no longer, I will keep holding to the truth that I get to be here, and whatever today looks like or feels like, it is mine, and it’s okay to be here, and it is even good when it isn’t.

love stayed

//

When everything else fell away, love stayed

When consent wasn’t given and my body used and abused, love still was with me

When he gathered us all up to say he wanted out, that he wanted to divorce us all, love still clung on

When he cut me with his sharp words and relentless control, even then I had love

When another love was offered, a forbidden one, one not meant to be, the lasting love caught me as I fell to my knees

When they kicked me out of their midst, like a disease that needed to be gotten rid of, love dug down deeper in me

When they whispered behind my back and plotted against me because they couldn’t bring themselves to line my truth against their versions of reality, love treated me like they should have, love embraced me without shame

When she loved and cut ties with man after man after man, when love couldn’t seem to find her or us with all the imposters, still the love I speak of stayed

When betrayal within your blood ties came and you felt like the breath was knocked out of your lungs, disoriented and confused who really was who they said they were, love coiled vehemently, unwilling to let me go even if she did

When her heart stopped beating and she was born without breath and life, love got wider to encompass all of the broken shards that were left of me

When old friends turned their backs with mumbled excuses and cutting lies, love stood strong in contrast to their weak facades of caring

When those meant to accept me turned on me and instead towards those who really had their allegiance amidst shallow rules and untruths, love told me I could still raise my chin up steady and strong

When another one was here and then gone oh so briefly, it was only love that was able to seep into the bleeding places and offer any comfort

When the house of faith brutally tumbled to the ground, like one which had a faulty foundation that gave way one dark night unexpected, love remained as the dust of a repentant life almost choked me in the releasing of itself

Love surprised me in its loyalty, it was a severe mercy that always held hands and remained, never let go, was present at every turn, even in the dark and in the silence, and now in the light

Love brought me to myself

Love was always what I was looking for

Even now, when the days and months are peppered with anxiety and sadness, the love still mingles in, it still shows up the loudest, is the brightest color

When mothering strong willed kids day in and day out threatens my grip on sanity, love will continue

When I long to find community and my bigger purpose in serving humanity, yet all the valleys I’ve had to travel through have worn me down and shaken up my purposes, love will guide me, this I know now

When my beloved loves me on the many hard days, when his kindness cushions the blows of everyday life, when he loves me so very very well, love is here

When everything else fell away, love stayed

Love won’t let me go

this thing called life

//

I didn’t go outside the other day

Not even a glance at the sky or the sound of a bird

It’s that thing I like to leave unsaid

It stalks me, breathes down my neck

Makes the walls close in and the spaces get smaller and smaller

I don’t think I breathe as deeply on those days of hiding from the sun

Is there someone else I’m hiding from

Or is it that I don’t know how to exist out there anymore after everything changed

No-one knows me, strangers everywhere

A stranger in the mirror staring back at me

I don’t know who I am anymore

And yet sometimes I get glimpses

Some days I don’t avoid the sun or the sea or the birds

Some days I think I can face the world

Those days when the pain isn’t swallowing me whole and I can breathe a little slower

You know what I mean

Like a map whose roads all disappeared

I’m wandering through life trying to convince myself I know the way and that just around the next bend I will come to the clearing

Like a raging storm at sea when your boat sinks and leaves you to fend for yourself

I’m a child learning to walk all over again, except this time there’s no one guiding me, no rules to follow, no straight line to try and stay on, I am the compass now, there’s a new north

Like a mother whose child vanishes, he is simply gone, slipped away in the thin air, no trace of him left lingering

What left was never there, what was lost was never really found, what was gained was never really granted

Like the mirage in the desert, the oasis seems so real, yet the more desperate you become to really drink the water, to feel it on your lips and have it slide down your throat, you go after it, only to find it fades into the scorched earth and you land hard sideways on the scratchy sand, left scraped and bleeding on the unforgiving ground beneath you

This recovery from the land of trick mirrors, from the maze of head games and bitter riddles

I stumbled out alive and went into hiding

Maybe one day I can become me again

Maybe one day I can forgive myself, trust myself, give myself another chance at this thing called life.

crack in the armor

//

I always wondered if I really asked for it

Trusted the wrong person at the wrong time

If only my timing had been different

If only I didn’t have a pull towards him when deep down I knew he was bad news

I bore my heart, somehow tricked into thinking he was a worthy confidant

He saw an opening, a crack in the armor

A woman broken and splintered into pieces

He wedged himself in there, wooing me in my shattered innocence

Purity washed down the drain already

What was one more rendezvous now that she had been down that road

A kiss returned on the whispers of salty tears and a choked out confession of a girl gone bad

He pushed and pushed, trying to assure me that what I really wanted was him

That he would make it all better

Smooth out the rough edges

Show me what a good time really meant

But that isn’t what I came to him for at dusk with a throat holding back the sobs from pouring forth

He pushed and pushed, pretended not to hear my no

Assured me I must just be messing with him, that I surely didn’t want to turn him down

He thought himself irresistable, and I unable to resist

He didn’t listen

He didn’t take me seriously

He had his way with me against my protests

The pain was too scorching and shocking to even find the will to try and stop him again

I felt guilty giving up on resisting, for succumbing to his advances once my no didn’t matter

No after no after no wasn’t heard

So i let him finish rather than claw his eyes out like I wanted to

Why? Where was the fight in me?

I left when he was in the bathroom, snuck out and we never spoke of it again

I spoke of it to no-one because who would believe me that something wrong had taken place

Hadn’t I asked for it, come for it, always wanted it?

No. No. No.

Locked away in a deep deep place inside

I finally decided to say out loud that it happened, that I was raped, that this was done to me and I was tired of pretending it was somehow his right and my fault

Speaking our truth gives others the courage to do that same

No means no

living within the edges

//

I want to say that she was real

She was mine and she was here

I want to say it changed me forever

Touching her toes and fingers

Holding her, singing to her

But it wasn’t enough

But it had to be didn’t it?
I want to say there was no divine reason

No lesson for me to learn

This wasn’t punishment for past sins
I want to say that the world doesn’t like grievers

They want to choke us with flowers and sunshine and frilly words

But don’t they know we just need their presence with us?

We just need them to sit with us in the discomfort, to let us be where we are and know that it won’t always feel the same
I want to say that grief is a fickle thing, it twists and turns and shows up unexpectedly
I want to say that I will never get over you.
I want to say that I will never get over her either.
She was mine too.
I want to say that trying to figure out why didn’t work
The days and years kept rushing past, waiting for no-one or for anything to be over and done with before it started ticking again
I want to say that I still haven’t tied up all the strings in my heart left hanging and shredded
I want to say that I’ve threaded them all back together as best I can, because there was no-one else to do it for me
I want to say that I love you
I want to say I miss you and you and what your lives would’ve been like
I want to say that it is true that love and joy and grief and gratitude all live together, with none ever canceling all the rest out
I want to say it is all a delicate dance
I want to say I don’t know why but I know things now I didn’t know then
I want to say that I am determined to live and be and soak in as much as I can in the time I have left here
I want to say that loving you and knowing you enriched my life more than it tore it apart
I want to say I’m learning to live within the edges of all the unknowns
I want to say that I am fighting my way through and that life in all it’s curves and intersections is still beautiful to me.

//

#october15th #october15 #pregnancylossremembranceday

no more sleeping giant

to whom does one go now?

screaming into the silent endlessness;

there was no answer.

to whom does one cling?

what are the new absolutes?

old truths now as rotting caverns;

even colors look different now.

am i finally awake now?

for decades a sleeping giant?

if I could find a solid place for my feet,

if only just large enough upon which to stand.

is there anything in the universe to help me?

I know where to go now

I know what to cling to

I’m no longer screaming

No more sleeping giant

I am fully awake

Fully alive

Eyes wide open

I know where I’m standing now

I know where to get the help I need

Love

Love is what was left

Love is what I’m calling home now

Love is what is real

//
::words to a silent god::