crack in the armor

//

I always wondered if I really asked for it

Trusted the wrong person at the wrong time

If only my timing had been different

If only I didn’t have a pull towards him when deep down I knew he was bad news

I bore my heart, somehow tricked into thinking he was a worthy confidant

He saw an opening, a crack in the armor

A woman broken and splintered into pieces

He wedged himself in there, wooing me in my shattered innocence

Purity washed down the drain already

What was one more rendezvous now that she had been down that road

A kiss returned on the whispers of salty tears and a choked out confession of a girl gone bad

He pushed and pushed, trying to assure me that what I really wanted was him

That he would make it all better

Smooth out the rough edges

Show me what a good time really meant

But that isn’t what I came to him for at dusk with a throat holding back the sobs from pouring forth

He pushed and pushed, pretended not to hear my no

Assured me I must just be messing with him, that I surely didn’t want to turn him down

He thought himself irresistable, and I unable to resist

He didn’t listen

He didn’t take me seriously

He had his way with me against my protests

The pain was too scorching and shocking to even find the will to try and stop him again

I felt guilty giving up on resisting, for succumbing to his advances once my no didn’t matter

No after no after no wasn’t heard

So i let him finish rather than claw his eyes out like I wanted to

Why? Where was the fight in me?

I left when he was in the bathroom, snuck out and we never spoke of it again

I spoke of it to no-one because who would believe me that something wrong had taken place

Hadn’t I asked for it, come for it, always wanted it?

No. No. No.

Locked away in a deep deep place inside

I finally decided to say out loud that it happened, that I was raped, that this was done to me and I was tired of pretending it was somehow his right and my fault

Speaking our truth gives others the courage to do that same

No means no

One thought on “crack in the armor

  1. Pingback: say what? | Zoe Turner, writer

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