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Extra strong afternoon coffee
Laying down even after the caffeine, I’m so tired I just can’t stand up anymore
Brain too busy to let sleep come, but this sideways rest is something good anyway
Incessant wondering of what this is all really for
Tickles of anxiety a constant companion
What will happen next, what is it I’m steeling myself for, why do I live waiting for the bottom to fall out
This apprehensive edge I stay on of wanting more, but depletion makes my progress forward slow and sluggish
I’m caught in a slow motion life that is passing me by furiously
Time won’t stop for me to catch up, to get my shit together once and for all
The searching is a hunger that drives me, yet somewhere deep down I sense it is right here and right now that the real life really is
Where did I ever get the idea that the best is out there somewhere else beyond me, if only I could get there and not be late
How can I convince myself that the soothing is in the present, with me, in me, all around, right fucking now
I sing sweet inner lullabies on the good days of beauty chasing
But today I’m fighting just to survive to another good day
These are the days when the tiredness almost takes me under, the days that despair pulls on my strings to try and cause an unraveling
How can I keep it all together
What is all this really for again?
Today the flowery language of love and hope isn’t cutting it
The bitter cannot find the sweet
I’m just here, wondering if it’s really okay to speak out loud the truth of today and how it feels to cry in the spaces between moments, to hide myself in the cracks of the hours
I’m peeking out and saying this right here, this is real too, that life sucks some days even with the good stuff still here, the heaviness takes over sometimes
The yin and the yang, they are forever trying to find balance
I wonder if I really will survive this when I know I ultimately won’t, yet maybe I will on some level, I want that to be true
How do I keep up a happy face for the little ones under my care, what is it I’m supposed to be telling them to look forward to again?
On days like today I seem to forget, yet maybe it is on these days that I’m truly remembering something else, the pieces of me that are still just as true but harder to reveal
These aren’t happy feel good letters strung together into words to bring a smile
This is me wondering what the hell I’m doing this for day after day after day
Is it for them, for him, for me, for a better world
I ask myself if I’m allowed to even be in this place, to talk about the holes in which I live and breathe
It isn’t all pretty, my eyes are burning and my head is hurting
My limbs are heavy and I feel I need to sleep a thousand years
But somehow, someway, I will keep going on until I can no longer, I will keep holding to the truth that I get to be here, and whatever today looks like or feels like, it is mine, and it’s okay to be here, and it is even good when it isn’t.
Beautifully raw.
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