I’m scratching and clawing my way to you right now in this very moment just to be here, to show up and tell you what a horrible mindfuck 2017 turned out to be. My amazing and beautiful husband of close to thirteen years died by suicide in August. It has been the horror of horrors. He went missing in July and we tried desperately to find him for about three weeks. I am almost five months out now from the two police officers coming to my door and telling me what I never dreamed in my worst dreams I would ever ever hear. I’ve missing writing here, and I’ve shared some on select places on social media, so this may not be a shock to some of you. Even now as I sit in a new state, in a new house, after a hellacious Christmas that at least my children enjoyed, I want to scream as loud as I can and run across the world to search everywhere for him, to find him, to save him, to bring him back.
On one hand I’m ready for 2017 to go the hell away, but on the other hand I’m not ready to enter a new year he will never experience, where he will not be here to make memories with. Life has not become all darkness, but the darkness touches everything on every level. I’m a fighter and I will keep fighting, but I never thought in my worst moments that life would become what it has become, that his life would come to such a traumatic end, when he was such an incredible beautiful soul.
I’m stopping now, it’s too painful and costs too much right now to say more. I leave you with an Everyone’s Agnostic podcast interview follow-up I did about two months ago where I’m able to talk about what happened to my husband.
Please for fucks sake if you are reading this and feeling suicidal, reach out for help, don’t go it alone. Please. Stay. Stay alive.
I almost said no to this podcast interview. I am not very far down the road of parenting in a post-Christian belief system. I said yes, and I am so glad I did. The interview questions were engaging and validating, as well as challenging. I walked away from this panel feeling more alive and more truly myself. Thank you again to the Women Beyond Belief Podcast for allowing me this space to be myself and share some stories from my experiences. For anyone who takes a listen, thank you from the bottom of my heart, I hope you are encouraged!
Deconversion has been such an ugly beast of an experience for me. I never chose this place for myself, and if I had a magic wand I would wave it and make a good and loving God real. Unfortunately there is no magic wand, and there is no good and loving being in the sky to entrust my life to. I’m who I must entrust my life to. I’m slowly learning to trust myself, but all the decades of indoctrination of how bad I was apart from God really did a number on me. I’m having to unlearn so much about myself and the world, and relearn who I really am, who I have actually always really been separate and apart from anyone else.
Just a few weeks ago I had the opportunity to be interviewed for my second podcast appearance. I’m so excited about this new podcast for women and about women who have deconverted. There is such a need to hear the voices of more women in this post-theist community. Wendy Marsman began the Women Beyond Belief podcast just this month. I’m honored to know her online, to be a small part of this project, and am so grateful she is using her knowledge, experiences, and expertise to carve out a very much needed space for women to speak up and be heard. Thank you again Wendy for giving me this opportunity. I was so encouraged by the process and the interview, it was incredibly validating and meaningful beyond any words I can come up with. Truly an honor.
Having the opportunity to go on the Everyone’s Agnostic Podcast a few months ago was incredibly significant for me. I’m not sure of all the reasons I’ve waited to officially share the interview here on my blog. I was nervous as hell doing it, every word I said took calculated effort, as well as effort expended to withhold what I chose not to say or had no time to say. It was a strangely liberating experience.
The length of silencing I’ve experienced since I was 21 is a huge factor. Silencing is so powerful, like a literal vice around my throat and a hand covering my mouth. I was silenced and I silenced myself. The wounding ran so deep, canyons winding in deep crevices in my soul. The healing necessary to access those interior spaces has to reach down deep. Healing takes such a long time and is so multi-layered.
I’m so grateful to have been given the space to speak and tell big pieces of my story. Thank you Bob & Cass from the deepest places of my heart, I’m more grateful than I’m able to express. Thank you for allowing my voice to be heard, for your compassion, and most of all for your acceptance.
If you listen, thank you, if you share it, thank you even more, because if my story can help raise awareness and encourage those touched by clergy abuse of power, clergy sexual abuse, stillbirth, or losing God through deconstruction away from Christianity then there is more purpose brought out of the suffering.
The Everyone’s Agnostic Podcast Interview can be found in several places, as well as on itunes, stitcher etc: