keep living

//

i used to think i knew what happened when people died. i comforted myself with images of heaven, of a better place, of no more crying and no more pain. the reality is i don’t know what really happens when someone dies. i can guess, but i don’t really know. the old adages don’t bring any comfort anymore. truth is brutal to swallow.

i used to think i had experienced the worst traumas i ever would. i thought i had seen enough of my share. childhood sexual abuse, the divorce of my parents, acquaintance rape in highschool, clergy abuse in highschool and college, being asked to leave a church due to said clergy abuse while they encircled the hurting pastor and his family, the stillbirth of my second child, the miscarriage of my fourth child, losing the scaffolding of the christian faith and christian god that I had built and based my entire life upon…and then the sudden disappearance of my husband and his suicide eighteen days later.

i am sitting here tonight, six and a half months later, still trying to figure out how my life turned into this. supposedly there comes a point where you figure out how to stop asking the questions, how to stop trying to figure out what the hell happened, how to keep the internal tsunami at bay that still desperately wants to save him.

i cannot imagine another man in my life, although i want it and parts of me feel guilty for wanting it now. maybe i want it this soon because of how it all ended. but the reality is that i am not a loner. i don’t do life well without close friends and without a man i love who also loves me back. there is so fucking much i want and need to be different from here on out, but before i nail down all those specifics i just want another human being to look me in the eyes and tell me they see me and that they believe i’m going to make it up and out and away from this ground zero. i want to believe that i can trust again, that i won’t let fear dictate my life from here on out because of all the staggering losses.

there have been days i have wanted to box it all up and call it quits, but really that is not an option i want deep down inside, nor is it an option i would ever pursue. giving up, throwing in the towel, no fucking way. feeling hope again? i sure as hell hope so. feeling wanted again? yes, please. i didn’t die when he left our house quietly one sunday morning. i didn’t die when he pulled the trigger to end his own life. i didn’t die. i didn’t die. i didn’t die. i am alive. i am here. i get to be here. my life is no small thing. i don’t take my own life lightly, i don’t hold it carelessly. i’m here and i want to live. i want to keep living. and i will as best i can.

i wonder sometimes what becoming a widow suddenly and traumatically is supposed to look like and feel like. i wonder if i’m anywhere within normal or if i’m just totally screwed up and can’t even tell. i just don’t know. does anybody really? i know it’s not all black, there is still color. it’s not all tears, there is still laughter. it’s not all sadness, there is still beauty and enjoyment to be found. if you had asked me a year ago what i thought life without him would be like i never would’ve guessed right. it would’ve been too far outside my lived experience. but I can tell you now. it’s hell and it’s not hell, it’s a nightmare and yet it’s not, it’s horrific and maddening, and yet on some days it’s mostly just exhausting and confusing. and every now and then some normalcy seeps in the cracks of this shattered life and you see flickers of light that tell you that you are still very much alive, and life is still very much worth breathing for.

{zt}

mystery

//

​I don’t believe in a Christian God or a personal Jesus, but the ocean at sunrise and sunset is magical. The fog that dances over the surface, the wind that carves ripples into the choppy waves, they are mystifying. They are the beauty that I chase even still, even after all that has been lost to me, after all that has changed, after no more god. What this means I can’t explain. I simply don’t know. But it’s ordinary and it’s magic, that’s what I know.

Can one still believe in magic, mystery, & transcendence with no belief in a christian god or personal jesus? 

I do somehow. 

What is this other-ness that still exists and cannot be denied? 

borrowed time

//

time aches and haunts and fills and empties all at the same time.

it all seems as stolen moments, the unending pull and tug forward. 

the madness of the days as they circle on and on with a momentum we cannot ease up or lessen. 

we are all on borrowed time.

the days rush past and slow for noone or anything.

there is a frenzy to take it all in before it’s our curtain call.

chaotic beauty.

a love forever chasing us as we chase it.

human to human.

here we are.

we have now.

{zt}

wondering

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//

Extra strong afternoon coffee

Laying down even after the caffeine, I’m so tired I just can’t stand up anymore

Brain too busy to let sleep come, but this sideways rest is something good anyway

Incessant wondering of what this is all really for

Tickles of anxiety a constant companion

What will happen next, what is it I’m steeling  myself for, why do I live waiting for the  bottom to fall out

This apprehensive edge I stay on of wanting more, but depletion makes my progress forward slow and sluggish

I’m caught in a slow motion life that is passing me by furiously

Time won’t stop for me to catch up, to get my shit together once and for all

The searching is a hunger that drives me, yet somewhere deep down I sense it is right here and right now that the real life really is

Where did I ever get the idea that the best is out there somewhere else beyond me, if only I could get there and not be late

How can I convince myself that the soothing is in the present, with me, in me, all around, right fucking now

I sing sweet inner lullabies on the good days of beauty chasing

But today I’m fighting just to survive to another good day

These are the days when the tiredness almost takes me under, the days that despair pulls on my strings to try and cause an unraveling

How can I keep it all together

What is all this really for again?

Today the flowery language of love and hope isn’t cutting it

The bitter cannot find the sweet

I’m just here, wondering if it’s really okay to speak out loud the truth of today and how it feels to cry in the spaces between moments, to hide myself in the cracks of the hours

I’m peeking out and saying this right here, this is real too, that life sucks some days even with the good stuff still here, the heaviness takes over sometimes

The yin and the yang, they are forever trying to find balance

I wonder if I really will survive this when I know I ultimately won’t, yet maybe I will on some level, I want that to be true

How do I keep up a happy face for the little ones under my care, what is it I’m supposed to be telling them to look forward to again?

On days like today I seem to forget, yet maybe it is on these days that I’m truly remembering something else, the pieces of me that are still just as true but harder to reveal

These aren’t happy feel good letters strung together into words to bring a smile

This is me wondering what the hell I’m doing this for day after day after day

Is it for them, for him, for me, for a better world

I ask myself if I’m allowed to even be in this place, to talk about the holes in which I live and breathe

It isn’t all pretty, my eyes are burning and my head is hurting

My limbs are heavy and I feel I need to sleep a thousand years

But somehow, someway, I will keep going on until I can no longer, I will keep holding to the truth that I get to be here, and whatever today looks like or feels like, it is mine, and it’s okay to be here, and it is even good when it isn’t.

living within the edges

//

I want to say that she was real

She was mine and she was here

I want to say it changed me forever

Touching her toes and fingers

Holding her, singing to her

But it wasn’t enough

But it had to be didn’t it?
I want to say there was no divine reason

No lesson for me to learn

This wasn’t punishment for past sins
I want to say that the world doesn’t like grievers

They want to choke us with flowers and sunshine and frilly words

But don’t they know we just need their presence with us?

We just need them to sit with us in the discomfort, to let us be where we are and know that it won’t always feel the same
I want to say that grief is a fickle thing, it twists and turns and shows up unexpectedly
I want to say that I will never get over you.
I want to say that I will never get over her either.
She was mine too.
I want to say that trying to figure out why didn’t work
The days and years kept rushing past, waiting for no-one or for anything to be over and done with before it started ticking again
I want to say that I still haven’t tied up all the strings in my heart left hanging and shredded
I want to say that I’ve threaded them all back together as best I can, because there was no-one else to do it for me
I want to say that I love you
I want to say I miss you and you and what your lives would’ve been like
I want to say that it is true that love and joy and grief and gratitude all live together, with none ever canceling all the rest out
I want to say it is all a delicate dance
I want to say I don’t know why but I know things now I didn’t know then
I want to say that I am determined to live and be and soak in as much as I can in the time I have left here
I want to say that loving you and knowing you enriched my life more than it tore it apart
I want to say I’m learning to live within the edges of all the unknowns
I want to say that I am fighting my way through and that life in all it’s curves and intersections is still beautiful to me.

//

#october15th #october15 #pregnancylossremembranceday

beauty is still beauty

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people think i walked away from my faith.
that somehow i un-chose god.
there is nothing i have tried harder at in my life than chasing god,
than choosing him, over and over, and over again.
his place in my heart underguirded, surrounded, and encompassed everything, there was nothing untouched by what i once deemed as his presence.
the loss of god was not desired or wanted on any level.
it happened in waves,
day after day,
month after month,
silence upon silence
lie upon lie.
first a drop, then trickle, then stream. then waves turned crashing. almost drowned in the absence, the nothingness.
he wasn’t there to breathe anymore, as my lifeblood, my oxygen.
left to my own devices, it wasn’t a lack of faith that got me there.
it was an unwillingness to give up that turned everything inside out.
someday the wreckage will all be gone, the remnants of a drowning silence washed away on the shores of truth. like a picture drained of color, yet still is profoundly beautiful, even moreso. life is still here in me, it is just all different now. beauty is still beauty, even when the colors change. i’m going to be okay, more than okay. beauty can become even more beauty-filled when truth is fully embraced.

{words to a silent god, c. 2016}

find my way

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from home to a silent new world

from belief to not knowing what is real and what is not

from solid to a place of shattering, surrounded by the pieces of my former life

from striving to be acceptable to “god” and the powers that be, to now searching to know myself and accept me for me

from learned helplessness, to finding the strength i always had to begin with

from shame based theology, to believing i wasn’t born defective in need of fixing

from there to here

yet i don’t recognize here

residue from a lifetime of beliefs crowd my line of sight

i am blinded by the voices and shoulds

what others will think is a venom all its own, what I think of myself at times is an even stronger poison

how can i learn to be okay with not having it all nailed down?

how can one shed a life of faith and learn to live again?

if there is a higher power how do i connect?

there was no jesus to find for me when the unraveling ended

when I dug deeper he collasped like a wall of mirrors in a magic maze crashing in upon itself

when all the tattered threads unwound upon themselves and left a tangled mess, there wasn’t anyone else at the end of it all but me

all the shreds of a former life came undone, and nothing but love is left.

was it all my imagination? a construct made up to give me a safe place to land?

my psyche now frantically searching for a rope to appear

can the need to cling to something outside myself be released?

can I find my way out of this place?

{words to a silent god, 2015©}