find my way

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from home to a silent new world

from belief to not knowing what is real and what is not

from solid to a place of shattering, surrounded by the pieces of my former life

from striving to be acceptable to “god” and the powers that be, to now searching to know myself and accept me for me

from learned helplessness, to finding the strength i always had to begin with

from shame based theology, to believing i wasn’t born defective in need of fixing

from there to here

yet i don’t recognize here

residue from a lifetime of beliefs crowd my line of sight

i am blinded by the voices and shoulds

what others will think is a venom all its own, what I think of myself at times is an even stronger poison

how can i learn to be okay with not having it all nailed down?

how can one shed a life of faith and learn to live again?

if there is a higher power how do i connect?

there was no jesus to find for me when the unraveling ended

when I dug deeper he collasped like a wall of mirrors in a magic maze crashing in upon itself

when all the tattered threads unwound upon themselves and left a tangled mess, there wasn’t anyone else at the end of it all but me

all the shreds of a former life came undone, and nothing but love is left.

was it all my imagination? a construct made up to give me a safe place to land?

my psyche now frantically searching for a rope to appear

can the need to cling to something outside myself be released?

can I find my way out of this place?

{words to a silent god, 2015©}

tidal wave

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i am learning to live without you.

learning to listen more.

learning to get to know who I am.

who i am underneath the religious shackles.

an entire life lived trying to make it work.

trying to believe.

trying to experience a god presented to me as two kinds of a god,

loving yet overbearing,

gracious yet books of rules,

freedom yet heavy chains.

it never all added up for me.

decades spent trying to make the pieces fit that had been fed to me.

the pieces never fit.

tragedy brought the watershed moment.

reality hit me like a tidal wave of shocking cold water.

i almost drowned in the knowing and the unknowing.

the seeing and the unseeing.

the feeling and the stuffing down deep.

the raging tears and the gulps of free air.

the years lost to an ungrateful master,

the years yet to come in my releasing.

as the rushing water slows in its currents i am learning to breathe again.

things are different now.

nothing but love is the same.

love still is winning.

it is all i recognize.

the places you used to be are empty of you now.

where i thought i heard your voice, i hear my own.

i am waking up.

i am recovering.

i don’t know where i will be when the waters fully recede,

but i know i will know myself and those i love better.

i know i will know how much i still don’t know.

i know it will be clearer who and what i have torn myself away from, and why.

fewer numbers of fellow travelers surround me,

yet the fellowship shared is richer for the journey.

i will keep learning to breathe.

i won’t give up.

i will keep fighting for my breath.

it is all worth it.

i am worth it.

i am learning to live without you,

in spite of you,

beyond you.

and live i will.

{words to a silent god, 2015©}

god’s ghost

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silently screaming for you

no answers

no movement

nothing

where did you go?

where you always a figment of my imagination?

has there never really been the sweet fellowship i clung to?

decades lived behind a facade

what was real turns out to be false

all the lies

all the promises

all broken now

where do i go from here?

what is there beyond a dead faith?

beyond a dead god?

if you are there then what kind of a god are you?

i lived a life of service for this?

as soon as i stop hearing you it all vanishes?

if you are real then you are dependent on me to do all the talking?

or is this a game of cat and mouse?

a divine chess game?

is this how you roll?

do i even want any part of a god like this?

if you really are not there

then what?

then who?

then how?

is there any solid ground to stand on?

am i to make up my own truth?

is truth relative?

is nothing absolute as I always thought?

how can i bear this madness?

i feel i am losing my mind

why have i been hurled into this place?

it is not for a lack of trying

not for a lack of self help

not for a lack of prayers

not for a lack of anything but the lack of you

i never gave up

never threw the towel in

but now here i am

and here you are not

i don’t know who i am anymore

i don’t know this place i am standing in

no familiar markers

no roads i’ve been down before

the ghost of you haunts me

who i thought you were

where i thought you were

i keep screaming yet no response

those silent screams meet yet more silence

the ears of my heart about to burst from the loud silence

could your silence get any more obscene?

{words to a silent god, 2015©}