stillborn jesus

image

found
revealed
nurtured
loved
trusted
built my life around
dedicated
believed
integrated
but then…
the miracle didn’t happen
faith unraveled
prayers unanswered
screaming silence
born into death
devastated
manipulated
brutality
nothingness
darkness
bleeding revealed truth
stillborn jesus
yet you were never alive to begin with…

{words to a silent god, c. 2016}

drowning

image

grief came too soon

when i noticed they weren’t happy together

no kisses, embraces, affection

the fallout of a marriage bruised and battered and killing itself softly over and over again

the day he gathered us all and asked for the divorce, so quietly and violently

gone were the innocent days

my hero and heroine washed ashore like seaweed and castaways the sea just gave up on and returned to shore, lifeless on the beach of humanity

navigating a crooked chasm ever since

then came the uncharmed love, the great devouring of an unknown and unloved soul who naively opened herself to the mad magic of a lonely soul who belonged to someone else

the giver became the taker, the wise one the senseless, the prophet the pimp, the leader the proverbial bait and switch, the answers for the questions, the goodness for the blame at the cost of her redemption, the truthteller became the liar, she became the lost one, damned to roam in the netherlands of shame because he still had a job to do and she was old news, used and abused and tossed aside

then came marriage and the baby carriage, then came the one born without breath.

the great sadness to unleash all sadnesses was upon me. what was thought to be unconnected was now all mercilessly intertwined. shame had many tethers and many masters now.

hope crashed out of my chest and ran away, wandering, burning into a pile of ashes nowhere to be found.

and so the slow death of god continued, now i knew it was happening, now i could no longer deny the silence, the empty chair, the unanswered cries. In her death all other deaths came to me and i could see them with eyes uncovered and a heart unbound.

the watershed moment when i knew deep down i was in this all by myself, there was no salvation coming for me.

for years i sunk into denial and sadness, i hid in the tears, swimming in the grief and demands of mothering, it wasn’t hard to slip into the shadows unseen, i had help in the bruising and cutting, assistance in the smothering, the drowning had many hands upon it, the pressure building year after year after year

another one came like a thief in the night to prick my heart and then left me bleeding again. this time I was no stranger to the blackness.

now i fight the acceptance, i beat against myself, i don’t want to be where i am, without who i am without, alone in a world not as i thought it was.

what i thought was the greatest has now been trumped, hope continues lost and elusive and i have no idea how to find myself under all the years, all the sizes, all the tightness, all the breaths.

i’m going under. is the answer to keep fighting, stop looking for my ship to come in, to give in and fall under, let the waters cover me and take my breath, what then? what about them, what about me, about us, about him, how will this all play out. will hope meet me at the bottom of the sea?

i’m drowning in a sea of my own tears.

{words to a silent god, c.2015}

>>written as an anthology of grief in response to #inherskin, an online class<<

highway of my life

instaquote-_temp

when will the release come? the peace it alludes me. all the wranglings and tryings and twisting into knots to get it right and finally get the healing haven’t paid off. here i am. i don’t want the pain yet it stays. i feel dead inside today. nothing works to take it away for good. love only a bandaid, laughter and joy only a momentary releasing from the chains. constantly wondering what i am missing, where i went wrong, how can i fix it, fix myself so things would just fall into place like the missing pieces of a puzzle suddenly found just laying somewhere in plain view. if i could’ve changed it all i would’ve. if i could’ve felt your presence, i would’ve. i am weary of the games, so tired of the striving. it has gotten me nowhere good, it has only dug the trench i am laying in deeper. i stink of the earth and the dirt around me. when will this ever end? i have come to the end of what i thought was god and there is nothing there. is there joy and life to be found outside of a god that apparently was never who i thought or where i thought or even anywhere at all? i’m standing in the center of the highway of my life screaming yet no-one hears me. i am loving and i am hoping and i am doing this day to day thing because i refuse to give up. but when? where? how? do i hold the key to what locks me up inside? can the releasing come from my own hand? but when? where? how? even now after letting god go i still feel split wide open, as though the earth underneath my feet opened up to swallow me. am i running from myself, my fears, who i thought god was, what i thought life was all about? i am still looking for the way out, the sliver of light in the dark room, the window in the windowless house, the cup of cool water in a land burning up with flames. is it all due to my picture of the divine? because i didn’t really know him to begin with? or is it that he was never really there at all? now what? where will this road leave me? what is there to put my hope in when the sky has fallen in? is there a new highway i can walk on? a new hope? a new purpose? is there life after faith? life after god? life after religion? is freedom a mirage like god was? is peace a massive cosmic joke of cruel proportions like jesus was? what now?

{copr. Words to a Silent God, September 2015}

transitioning

transitioning

i am here and i am there and i am everywhere at once

where i’ve been i am no longer yet i hang out there in my dreams

seeing time flying by as it swirls around me and memories pile up on one another

i breathe in the joys and i breathe in the pain all at once

they seem to love one another and require the other to survive

where i am headed i can only trust it to be towards freedom

i am beckoned over and over, naysayers try to pull me down violently and relentlessly

the silent ones that line the road of watchers prick my heart in a different deep way

i will keep going, fighting, releasing, hoping, searching, resting

truth will save me, freedom will be the home i find underneath it all

the tears are not my enemy, they come just as the smiles come and the deep belly laughs

they all come, i must welcome them all as a part of the circle that surrounds me

even as i push and pull and twist and turn the winds of freedom hurt my ears, i am close, so very close. i will keep listening and i will keep being a truth teller, it’s who i am

i will be misunderstood and i have to learn to embrace the stepping away

i define me not the others, and the moments come rushing at me with no way to slow them down, so i take it all in, i open my arms and i close them, i learn this new rhythm because it is my lifesong now. the flow, the fall, the heights, the caverns, it is all a part of freedom

one day i will discover there are others here too, the cast of light in slivers will land on their faces and i will with wide eyes say, you too huh? and here we’re together, truth seekers

so i am here and i am there and i am everywhere at once in this metamorphosis

this layering of me and accepting me for who i really am, this knowing that i can really do this, that it really is okay, it is allowed, it is all allowed, i can choose, i can breathe deep.

{words to a silent god, copr. 2015}

truth

image

screaming to be seen yet no-one wants to see

speaking to be heard yet no-one wants to hear

pushing to uncover truth yet no-one wants to unveil it

living to make a difference yet no-one wants to let the walls down

speaking loudly in order to be allowed yet no-one wants to pay attention

moving intentionally into certain circles yet no-one wants to grant space

loving to break loose and let freedom flow yet no-one wants to un-clinch their fists

going to bravely rock the boat yet no-one wants change

challenging the status quo yet no-one wants to release and embrace something different

no-one yet maybe,
no-one yet is there someone who will?

the push and pull
the ache and longing
the drive and tenacity
truth steers me
to know truth
to speak truth
to live in truth
to love in truth
to be in truth

{words to a silent god, ©2015}

find my way

image

from home to a silent new world

from belief to not knowing what is real and what is not

from solid to a place of shattering, surrounded by the pieces of my former life

from striving to be acceptable to “god” and the powers that be, to now searching to know myself and accept me for me

from learned helplessness, to finding the strength i always had to begin with

from shame based theology, to believing i wasn’t born defective in need of fixing

from there to here

yet i don’t recognize here

residue from a lifetime of beliefs crowd my line of sight

i am blinded by the voices and shoulds

what others will think is a venom all its own, what I think of myself at times is an even stronger poison

how can i learn to be okay with not having it all nailed down?

how can one shed a life of faith and learn to live again?

if there is a higher power how do i connect?

there was no jesus to find for me when the unraveling ended

when I dug deeper he collasped like a wall of mirrors in a magic maze crashing in upon itself

when all the tattered threads unwound upon themselves and left a tangled mess, there wasn’t anyone else at the end of it all but me

all the shreds of a former life came undone, and nothing but love is left.

was it all my imagination? a construct made up to give me a safe place to land?

my psyche now frantically searching for a rope to appear

can the need to cling to something outside myself be released?

can I find my way out of this place?

{words to a silent god, 2015©}

tidal wave

IMG_20150309_122636

i am learning to live without you.

learning to listen more.

learning to get to know who I am.

who i am underneath the religious shackles.

an entire life lived trying to make it work.

trying to believe.

trying to experience a god presented to me as two kinds of a god,

loving yet overbearing,

gracious yet books of rules,

freedom yet heavy chains.

it never all added up for me.

decades spent trying to make the pieces fit that had been fed to me.

the pieces never fit.

tragedy brought the watershed moment.

reality hit me like a tidal wave of shocking cold water.

i almost drowned in the knowing and the unknowing.

the seeing and the unseeing.

the feeling and the stuffing down deep.

the raging tears and the gulps of free air.

the years lost to an ungrateful master,

the years yet to come in my releasing.

as the rushing water slows in its currents i am learning to breathe again.

things are different now.

nothing but love is the same.

love still is winning.

it is all i recognize.

the places you used to be are empty of you now.

where i thought i heard your voice, i hear my own.

i am waking up.

i am recovering.

i don’t know where i will be when the waters fully recede,

but i know i will know myself and those i love better.

i know i will know how much i still don’t know.

i know it will be clearer who and what i have torn myself away from, and why.

fewer numbers of fellow travelers surround me,

yet the fellowship shared is richer for the journey.

i will keep learning to breathe.

i won’t give up.

i will keep fighting for my breath.

it is all worth it.

i am worth it.

i am learning to live without you,

in spite of you,

beyond you.

and live i will.

{words to a silent god, 2015©}