highway of my life


when will the release come? the peace it alludes me. all the wranglings and tryings and twisting into knots to get it right and finally get the healing haven’t paid off. here i am. i don’t want the pain yet it stays. i feel dead inside today. nothing works to take it away for good. love only a bandaid, laughter and joy only a momentary releasing from the chains. constantly wondering what i am missing, where i went wrong, how can i fix it, fix myself so things would just fall into place like the missing pieces of a puzzle suddenly found just laying somewhere in plain view. if i could’ve changed it all i would’ve. if i could’ve felt your presence, i would’ve. i am weary of the games, so tired of the striving. it has gotten me nowhere good, it has only dug the trench i am laying in deeper. i stink of the earth and the dirt around me. when will this ever end? i have come to the end of what i thought was god and there is nothing there. is there joy and life to be found outside of a god that apparently was never who i thought or where i thought or even anywhere at all? i’m standing in the center of the highway of my life screaming yet no-one hears me. i am loving and i am hoping and i am doing this day to day thing because i refuse to give up. but when? where? how? do i hold the key to what locks me up inside? can the releasing come from my own hand? but when? where? how? even now after letting god go i still feel split wide open, as though the earth underneath my feet opened up to swallow me. am i running from myself, my fears, who i thought god was, what i thought life was all about? i am still looking for the way out, the sliver of light in the dark room, the window in the windowless house, the cup of cool water in a land burning up with flames. is it all due to my picture of the divine? because i didn’t really know him to begin with? or is it that he was never really there at all? now what? where will this road leave me? what is there to put my hope in when the sky has fallen in? is there a new highway i can walk on? a new hope? a new purpose? is there life after faith? life after god? life after religion? is freedom a mirage like god was? is peace a massive cosmic joke of cruel proportions like jesus was? what now?

{copr. Words to a Silent God, September 2015}



i am here and i am there and i am everywhere at once

where i’ve been i am no longer yet i hang out there in my dreams

seeing time flying by as it swirls around me and memories pile up on one another

i breathe in the joys and i breathe in the pain all at once

they seem to love one another and require the other to survive

where i am headed i can only trust it to be towards freedom

i am beckoned over and over, naysayers try to pull me down violently and relentlessly

the silent ones that line the road of watchers prick my heart in a different deep way

i will keep going, fighting, releasing, hoping, searching, resting

truth will save me, freedom will be the home i find underneath it all

the tears are not my enemy, they come just as the smiles come and the deep belly laughs

they all come, i must welcome them all as a part of the circle that surrounds me

even as i push and pull and twist and turn the winds of freedom hurt my ears, i am close, so very close. i will keep listening and i will keep being a truth teller, it’s who i am

i will be misunderstood and i have to learn to embrace the stepping away

i define me not the others, and the moments come rushing at me with no way to slow them down, so i take it all in, i open my arms and i close them, i learn this new rhythm because it is my lifesong now. the flow, the fall, the heights, the caverns, it is all a part of freedom

one day i will discover there are others here too, the cast of light in slivers will land on their faces and i will with wide eyes say, you too huh? and here we’re together, truth seekers

so i am here and i am there and i am everywhere at once in this metamorphosis

this layering of me and accepting me for who i really am, this knowing that i can really do this, that it really is okay, it is allowed, it is all allowed, i can choose, i can breathe deep.

{words to a silent god, copr. 2015}



screaming to be seen yet no-one wants to see

speaking to be heard yet no-one wants to hear

pushing to uncover truth yet no-one wants to unveil it

living to make a difference yet no-one wants to let the walls down

speaking loudly in order to be allowed yet no-one wants to pay attention

moving intentionally into certain circles yet no-one wants to grant space

loving to break loose and let freedom flow yet no-one wants to un-clinch their fists

going to bravely rock the boat yet no-one wants change

challenging the status quo yet no-one wants to release and embrace something different

no-one yet maybe,
no-one yet is there someone who will?

the push and pull
the ache and longing
the drive and tenacity
truth steers me
to know truth
to speak truth
to live in truth
to love in truth
to be in truth

{words to a silent god, ©2015}

find my way


from home to a silent new world

from belief to not knowing what is real and what is not

from solid to a place of shattering, surrounded by the pieces of my former life

from striving to be acceptable to “god” and the powers that be, to now searching to know myself and accept me for me

from learned helplessness, to finding the strength i always had to begin with

from shame based theology, to believing i wasn’t born defective in need of fixing

from there to here

yet i don’t recognize here

residue from a lifetime of beliefs crowd my line of sight

i am blinded by the voices and shoulds

what others will think is a venom all its own, what I think of myself at times is an even stronger poison

how can i learn to be okay with not having it all nailed down?

how can one shed a life of faith and learn to live again?

if there is a higher power how do i connect?

there was no jesus to find for me when the unraveling ended

when I dug deeper he collasped like a wall of mirrors in a magic maze crashing in upon itself

when all the tattered threads unwound upon themselves and left a tangled mess, there wasn’t anyone else at the end of it all but me

all the shreds of a former life came undone, and nothing but love is left.

was it all my imagination? a construct made up to give me a safe place to land?

my psyche now frantically searching for a rope to appear

can the need to cling to something outside myself be released?

can I find my way out of this place?

{words to a silent god, 2015©}

tidal wave


i am learning to live without you.

learning to listen more.

learning to get to know who I am.

who i am underneath the religious shackles.

an entire life lived trying to make it work.

trying to believe.

trying to experience a god presented to me as two kinds of a god,

loving yet overbearing,

gracious yet books of rules,

freedom yet heavy chains.

it never all added up for me.

decades spent trying to make the pieces fit that had been fed to me.

the pieces never fit.

tragedy brought the watershed moment.

reality hit me like a tidal wave of shocking cold water.

i almost drowned in the knowing and the unknowing.

the seeing and the unseeing.

the feeling and the stuffing down deep.

the raging tears and the gulps of free air.

the years lost to an ungrateful master,

the years yet to come in my releasing.

as the rushing water slows in its currents i am learning to breathe again.

things are different now.

nothing but love is the same.

love still is winning.

it is all i recognize.

the places you used to be are empty of you now.

where i thought i heard your voice, i hear my own.

i am waking up.

i am recovering.

i don’t know where i will be when the waters fully recede,

but i know i will know myself and those i love better.

i know i will know how much i still don’t know.

i know it will be clearer who and what i have torn myself away from, and why.

fewer numbers of fellow travelers surround me,

yet the fellowship shared is richer for the journey.

i will keep learning to breathe.

i won’t give up.

i will keep fighting for my breath.

it is all worth it.

i am worth it.

i am learning to live without you,

in spite of you,

beyond you.

and live i will.

{words to a silent god, 2015©}

god’s ghost


silently screaming for you

no answers

no movement


where did you go?

where you always a figment of my imagination?

has there never really been the sweet fellowship i clung to?

decades lived behind a facade

what was real turns out to be false

all the lies

all the promises

all broken now

where do i go from here?

what is there beyond a dead faith?

beyond a dead god?

if you are there then what kind of a god are you?

i lived a life of service for this?

as soon as i stop hearing you it all vanishes?

if you are real then you are dependent on me to do all the talking?

or is this a game of cat and mouse?

a divine chess game?

is this how you roll?

do i even want any part of a god like this?

if you really are not there

then what?

then who?

then how?

is there any solid ground to stand on?

am i to make up my own truth?

is truth relative?

is nothing absolute as I always thought?

how can i bear this madness?

i feel i am losing my mind

why have i been hurled into this place?

it is not for a lack of trying

not for a lack of self help

not for a lack of prayers

not for a lack of anything but the lack of you

i never gave up

never threw the towel in

but now here i am

and here you are not

i don’t know who i am anymore

i don’t know this place i am standing in

no familiar markers

no roads i’ve been down before

the ghost of you haunts me

who i thought you were

where i thought you were

i keep screaming yet no response

those silent screams meet yet more silence

the ears of my heart about to burst from the loud silence

could your silence get any more obscene?

{words to a silent god, 2015©}