everywhere yet nowhere

//

you are everywhere yet nowhere

upon waking you are on my mind

falling asleep filled with images of you

our wedding picture in the living room

family picture in the dining

grief is like food coloring into water

there is no chance of remaining untouched

it colors everything, every space

nothing left alone or unchanged

even when I make my coffee thoughts of you come in

simple things, complicated things, you are in them all

and yet I cannot find you

I cannot hear you or see you

I wonder where you really are right now

are you here in the streaks of sunlight?

the warmth of the light on my skin even when the air is so cold?

or are you actually nowhere? 

I hope you still exist somehow, someway, somewhere

I’ve begged to hear from you in my dreams but nothing comes

no secret signs or magical assurances

your absence is more present than you

everywhere yet nowhere

{zt}

mystery

//

​I don’t believe in a Christian God or a personal Jesus, but the ocean at sunrise and sunset is magical. The fog that dances over the surface, the wind that carves ripples into the choppy waves, they are mystifying. They are the beauty that I chase even still, even after all that has been lost to me, after all that has changed, after no more god. What this means I can’t explain. I simply don’t know. But it’s ordinary and it’s magic, that’s what I know.

Can one still believe in magic, mystery, & transcendence with no belief in a christian god or personal jesus? 

I do somehow. 

What is this other-ness that still exists and cannot be denied?